Tourist Trap Heaven

DO NOT pretend that you don't want this.

As I mentioned in my previous blog about the Smokies, the nearby towns of Gatlinburg, Pigeon Forge and Sevierville have to be considered one of the great meccas for tourist traps in the US.  There are dozens of attractions that range from mini-golf to go carts and bungee jumps.  There are oddball museums, cheesy redneck shops and several outlet malls.  There are TWO Nike Outlet shops located on different sides of Pigeon Forge.  The traffic is so terrible in this town that by the time it takes you to drive from one Nike store to the other, your brand new shoes will be officially out of style.  Actually, chances are that they already are since we're talking about an outlet store here.

Because there are so many mini-golf courses in the area, each one has to create a unique twist to attract tourists.  Ripley's operates two places, one based on Davey Crockett and another on Old MacDonald (as in EIEIO MacDonald).  There is a Hillbilly Golf in Gatlinburg that is based on, as you might guess, hillbillies.  What truly makes this attraction unique is a 300-foot tall Incline tram that you'll ride up the mountain to the courses.  At one point in time there was a Bunny Golf that featured - get this - live bunnies.  Sadly, Bunny Golf is no more due to the unfortunate bunny slaughter that took place.  It was a sad ending to an unusual attraction.

Gatlinburg

Gatlinburg, TN - getting a lot of use out of this one picture.

Think of Gatlinburg as the quaint mountain village, but not really so quant and perhaps, to most folks, quite cheesy.  However there is a charm to the town, and it's surrounded by the foothills of the Smokies so there's a real beauty to the place (at least when you look up).  Here you'll find a few mini-golf courses and several haunted houses (included the Mystery Mansion, a haunted mansion themed attraction that has its guests roam around, from room to room, where there may or may not be human actors waiting to scare you).  In the 90s, there was a great fire that burned down the original Ripley's museum.  In the embers of the fire spread the seeds of Ripley all over Gatlinburg sprouting a new museum, a Motion Theater, Aquarium and several other Ripley-themed attractions.

Ripley's Haunted Adventure is a fairly decent permanent haunted house

Tourist Trap Pick in Gatlinburg

Ripley's Believe Or Not Museum -- for some reason they
skipped the construction of stairs.  All guests must
climb a rope to access the second level.

The Ripley's Believe Or Not Museum gets my highest recommendation for this town.  I should add there's a caveat as things in Gatlinburg are honestly not that incredible, so don't expect to have your mind blown or skirt blown up or down, or whatever, when you come here.  However it's a fun way to blow at least an hour seeing all of the oddball attractions Ripley has collected over the years.

Surprisingly Gatlinburg only looks like a series of lights at night.

There is also a Sky Lift and ski "resort" here.  You might be surprised to learn that the Sky Lift does not take you to the ski resort.  You can get to the ski resort via the Ober Gatlinburg Aerial Tram.  Here you'll find ski slopes (complete with snow making towers that fire large chunks of ice at great speeds), a really cool alpine slide, MORE mini-golf and other attractions to blow your money.   The Sky Lift itself is a slow moving thrill ride that takes you up a nearby mountain to a t-shirt stand.  There are a number of attractions to do here including buying t-shirts, buying an overpriced picture of yourself that captures the very moment you realize that the sky lift is only taking you to a lousy t-shirt shop, and a view of Gatlinburg and the Smokies.  Seriously, only do this if you're bored and want to kill some time.

The Zoder Inn right on the Roaring Fork

There are a handful or more pancake joints and some really mediocre to decent motels to stay in.  Seriously, there seems to be one hotel in this town that's rated 3-stars, otherwise everything is in the 2.5 and lower range.  This doesn't mean there aren't some fairly nice places to stay.  I recommend the Best Western Zoder Inn which is nestled along the Roaring Fork.  The rooms are a bit dated, but there's nothing better than having the sounds of a roaring mountain stream to fall asleep to at night.  Plus the hotel throws in free wine and cheese each evening, and milk and cookies before bed!



Also, a trip to Gatlinburg simply isn't complete without eating some mountain fudge!  I'm not sure what it is about the mountains and fudge, but you'd think it literally oozed out of the streams as you can't seem to go to a mountain village without someone peddling some hard brick-shaped chocolate.  Finally, Gatlinburg is, for some inexplicable reason, home to approximately 1,000 ninja shops selling stars, swords and airsoft weaponry .  So if you find yourself having a hankering for some fudge and an airsoft M-16, Gatlinburg is your place.

Pigeon Forge

This represents everything you need to know about Pigeon Forge.

Pigeon Forge is, well, really just one long strip mall.  The town primarily consists of the vaguely named Parkway, a 6-lane highway that runs down the center of the valley.  Crammed along each side of the Parkway are the majority of the mini-golf and gocart tracks to be found in the area.  You'll also find various bungee jumps and sky coasters and other odd attractions that all seem to involve propelling, slingshotting, or dropping humans at great speed.  Oh, and there are many, many more pancake places here as well.  Pigeon Forge is also home to Dollywood, a wonderful (and I'm not being sarcastic here) theme park home to a nice collection of thrill rides and some truly wonderful food. There are also a number of shows here that might strike your fancy, but sadly this writer hasn't seen any of them.

Santa invites you to stay for pancakes and/or fudge

Sevierville

Finally, Sevierville used to be that small hometown of Dolly Parton that you had to travel through to get to the good stuff in Pigeon Forge, Gatlinburg, and, oh yeah, that little National Park that attracts more visitors than any other.  Today it has grown to be a land of large musical theaters (the great country/gospel musical theatre craze that once took over Branson moved here earlier this decade), many more motels and restaurants, and some of the larger attractions in the area including a Nascar Speedpark, a Wonderworks that appears to be some sort of "imagination" museum who's building is literally upside down, and a giant waterpark resort.  There is also a Black Bear Jamboree (which by the look of their website contains ZERO bears) and the nicer of the outlet malls in the area - the Tanger Outlets.  And if you're really, REALLY in to apples, there's the Apple Barn Farmhouse.  And, as the saying goes, an apple is truly greater when consumed in a barn.

Sadly, this extremely long blog post only cracks the surface of the many things you can do in the area.  In future posts I'll highlight some of my other favorite attractions to do in the area.

Summer Waterfall Tour

Stillhouse Hollow Falls

This summer has been dreadfully hot, and as a result I've been hanging around a lot of natural water features each weekend.  Besides my normal summer weekend routine of kayaking, I've also (as you can guess from the title) been seeking out swimming holes at the base of waterfalls.  In fact, my friend Sarah and I have dubbed it, "The Great Middle Tennessee Waterfall Tour of Summer 2010." 

Since Sarah is out of town this weekend, Brian and I decided to take the dogs and venture out to Stillhouse Hollow Falls located 20 minutes southwest of Columbia in Maury County.  Its a state natural area and features a small waterfall and a larger waterfall (Stillhouse Hollow Falls) with a 75-foot drop.  The trail is  only about 2/3rds of a mile, but features a pretty deep descent into the hollow.  When we reached the base of the falls, there were a couple of families swimming in the shallow pool below, but we noticed an area where we could climb to a ledge under the falls and let the cool water rain down on the tops of our heads.  We let the dogs off leash and watched them revert to puppies, splashing around and running back and forth between the different families.

Since we got a late start, we didn't stay long since I wanted to visit the gravesite of my paternal great-grandparents. They're buried next to an old church and spring at Cave Springs cemetery (est. 1853) along Liepers Creek Rd. in Maury County.   We encountered quite a few detours on our way due to the extensive damage caused by the May flood, but with the aid of modern technology (Brian's iphone), we finally found our way to the cemetery.  As I was taking photos of Emry Davis and Mamie Davis' gravestones, an elderly man with striking blue eyes and one arm stopped by and informed me it was Decoration Day.  We also determined we were distantly related and shared the same last name, but as quickly as he appeared, he got back in his truck and drove off down the gravel road.

Gatlinburg and the Great Smoky Mountains NP

The Great Smoky Mountains (view from Charlie's Bunion)

It is only fitting that my first blog post here be about the Great Smoky Mountains.  First off, I love the desert, and find the beauty found at places like Zion and Grand Canyon unparalleled.  But if I had to pick my favorite spot on Earth aside from the desert, it would be the Smoky Mountains.

Gatlinburg, TN

In many ways these mountains are a polar opposite of the landscapes in the Southwest. The Smokies have lush vegetation, gushing mountain streams, a moderate climate and tourist traps.  Oh yes, just outside out of the National Park is the trifecta of tourist trap towns - Gatlinburg, Pigeon Forge and Sevierville.  Here you'll find mini golf, go-carts, bungee jumping, cheesy gift shops, outlet malls, dozens (and I mean dozens) of pancake restaurants, and so on.  While the Great Smoky Mountains National Park is the most visited national park in the US, there are many millions more who will never set foot inside the park, but instead hit up one of the touristy towns.

National Park Tip:

Appalachian Trail

If you make it to the Smokies, and are in the mood for a moderate hike, I highly recommend a hike to Charlie's Bunion.  Starting from the Newfound Gap parking lot, you hike the Appalachian Trail for roughly 4 miles until you reach this bald rock outcropping with a commanding view of the mountains.  Even with the clouds the views are still impressive.

A view from Charlie's Bunion

Also head over to the Roaring Fork Motor Trail for a beautiful drive through the mountains just outside Gatlinburg.  There are plenty of places to get out and explore, including pioneer cabins, waterfalls and the popular trailhead to Rainbow Falls (a moderate to strenuous hike) and Mt. Leconte (definitely in the strenuous category).

Roaring Fork

In my next post I'll write a little bit about the wondrous tourist traps you can visit in the area.

Cold Beer Under Bridge

I’ll be the first to admit: I am a Southern girl and love my native Tennessee, but dang, “Why there gotta be so many rednecks?” I really looked forward to a weekend of kayaking down the Buffalo River and mountain biking/swimming at Bryant Grove in Long Hunter State Park, but had no idea I would be surrounded by my mulleted brethren almost the entire time.

I guess my first indication was when we pulled up to Bells Bridge, the put-in spot for kayakers and canoers on the Buffalo River, and noticed a handmade sign that stated, “Cold Beer Under Bridge” and pointed to a beer shack that indeed was under the bridge. It was only 9:30 and the shack was hoppin’ with underage kids trying to buy a cold can of Bud Light. Brian and I determined it was too early to hit up the beer shack and promptly took off down the river in our kayaks, only to be surrounded by drunk/high teenagers in canoes and dudes with rebel flag doo-rags. The few times we were able to break away from the crowds and experience the soothing sounds of nature, were quickly interrupted with the distant yelling of the “F-word” by rowdy teens who apparently cherished the use of this particular curse word.

We still managed to have a good time (and got in a grueling workout) despite the crowds and empty cans of beer that lined the river banks, but will undoubtedly never return. The 2-hour drive from Nashville just isn’t worth it when there are less crowded rivers like the Piney nearby.

The following day, I met up with my pal Sarah to hit the Jones Mill Mountain Bike Trail at Long Hunter State Park. We pulled into the empty parking lot at the trailhead and I was relieved to find that we had the whole trail to ourselves. The Jones Mill Trail offers a 4-mile and 2-mile loop so we opted for the longer 4-mile loop and enjoyed hopping numerous rock formations and riding along a ridge overlooking Percy Priest Lake. We both managed to stay on our bikes the majority of the time, and I was only thrown from my bike once- where I promptly remembered to scream out that word that the teens on the Buffalo River were so fond of. I woke up to bruises on my knee and ankle, but I’m quite proud of my “battle scars.”

After the ride, Sarah and I decided to head over to the Bryant Grove swimming area to take a cooling dip in the lake. Mistake. First of all, the water was murky and not at all cooling- it felt more like tepid bath water. Second of all, we were surrounded by children in swim diapers (gag) and a young boy with a shaved head and rattail that put my long hair to shame. We promptly exited the swim area and returned to Sarah’s car where we passed a man with sagging pants and teardrop tattoos lugging his two kids toward the beach. It was time to go home.

Septo-what?

A little less than two weeks ago, I had a septoplasty and turbinate reduction.  What is this, you say?  Hell if I know, but it has something to do with straightening out the cartilage in my nose and reducing the size of my sinus cavities.  Oh...and it hurt like hell.

For years, I've had problems with my sinuses and problems breathing during sleep so the hope is that this will correct all that.  For those who are considering this surgery, here is a brief description of what to expect:

On Monday morning, my husband drove me over to St. Thomas hospital where I checked in, got a wristband, and sat around feeling out of place in a sea of elderly people.  For the next few hours, I was transferred from one room to another where I doled out free samples of my urine and blood, and finally landed in the recovery room where I got dressed in a hospital gown and socks.  Here, Brian and I sat behind a curtain and listened as they wheeled in post-op patients either crying or moaning.  This is a not a good place to be while waiting for your own surgery.  Soon, the nurse came in and told me I was not pregnant (okay- I already told you I was on birth control), and took my vitals.  Next, I was wheeled into yet another room where they stuck my hand with a needle (Ouch!) and administered some kind of chemical that made me sleepy.  Next thing I know, I wake up with a gauze mustache taped across my face, the surgery is done, and I feel awful.

The nausea from the anesthetic causes me to throw up blood in the recovery room, but the nurse tells me this is normal.  Since when is throwing up blood normal!  They release me to go home and that's where the real fun begins.

The next few days are a haze of nausea, headaches, a swollen nose, and constipation.  I have splints stitched into my nose to prevent my newly staightened septum from collapsing and as a result, I can only breathe through my mouth.  Four days later, I have the splints removed and although I've never had a baby, I imagine its somewhat like giving birth, except out of your nose.  The rest of the week is spent battling headaches, fatigue, and jaw pain.  I still cannot breathe well out of my nose, but I'm supposed to go back to the doc's next week to have my nose vacuumed.  Lovely. 

So far, I can't tell the results- it takes a few months for the nose to completely heal.  At this point, it has not been worth it, but once healing takes place, I may be singing a different tune.  Okay- now where's my Afrin? 

Crossing the Finish Line

Yesterday I accomplished a goal that I began working on last November- I finished my first half-marathon.  It was one of the most physically and mentally challenging things I've ever completed, but the rewards far surpass any pain I experienced along the way.  To top it off, I completed the 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 24 minutes, averaging around 11 minutes per mile.  Not bad considering I hadn't trained in nearly a month, and was still dealing with pain from achilles tendonitis.

To recap yesterday's events, I woke up at 5 am, pinned on my racing bib and laced up my running shoes, and Brian drove me over to the starting line at Centennial Park.  Along with approx. 30,000 other runners, I made my way to my corral and began to stretch for the longest run I've experienced at this point.  I really don't know the science behind the proper fueling of my body pre-race, I just ate a huge pasta dinner the night before, and listened to my body during the run.  I could tell when I needed water, or when my body needed salt.

Before I knew it, the race was on and I made my way down Broadway as hordes of spectators cheered us on.  I gave children high fives as I raced past them, watched a guy run while juggling at the same time, and passed a group of spectators dressed as the band Kiss as I made my way through the Gulch.  I was pacing myself particularly well for the first 7 miles, but around mile 8, I could really feel my mental and physical energy begin to drain.  I could feel blisters forming on the bottom of my feet and began to feel a little sick from the mixture of water and energy drink that I inhaled at each fuel station.  By the time I hit mile 12, I felt like I couldn't go any further, but I knew I was almost to the end and had to keep going.  I wish I could say I sprinted to the finish line for the last mile, but it was more of a shuffle.  Regardless of my pace, I crossed the finish line and it was an incredible feeling.  As soon as I crossed, we were herded through a line where we recieved our medals, grabbed up food and water, and had our pictures taken.  At this point, I felt like my legs were going to give out at any moment and all I wanted to do was find Brian and go home.

Brian and I reunited in the family reunion area and promptly headed for Mitchell's Deli for a turkey sandwich, and then I just crashed and enjoyed a nice nap.  My legs are very sore and stiff today, and I'm suffering a bit of post-race depression, but I'm already planning my next race.  I'm hooked!!

John C. Clayborn Millennium Trail

April in Tennessee brings out a kaleidoscope of colors as wildflowers blanket the forest floor.  My mom is a wildflower enthusiast (or maniac depending on how you look at it) and wanted to see the colors in their full glory by taking a long hike.  We've been talking about hiking the 8 mile Millennium Trail for a couple of years now, so we decided to quit talking about and just do it.

Located within Edgar Evans State Park, the John C. Clayborn Millennium Trail follows the outline of a peninsula in Center Hill Lake and passes by old homesteads where the only remnants of human influence are seen in the low rock walls so typically built by Scots-Irish immigrants to Tennessee.  We also passed the remains of an old springhouse before we began our strenuous ascent up the ridge.  The wildflowers did not disappoint, and every switchback revealed a new flower, a new color.  While I highly recommend this trail for its scenery and history, it is extrememly strenuous and literally sapped me of my energy.  I was so grateful for the PB&J sandwich and trail mix that my mom packed because it literally gave me the boost I needed to make it over the last few hills.

If you do decide to hike this trail, I highly recommend you stop at the visitor's center at the entrance of the park and climb the spiral staircase to the top of the tower.  The tower overlooks the Center Hill Dam and from a distance, you can even see the abandoned cooling tower from the defunct nuclear plant in Hartsville, TN- which is nearly 40 miles north of Edgar Evans State Park!